Recent Entries

Current Mood: blank

Dear Cat,

Menthol is not delicious, and it will make you die. Please not to be licking my muscle therapy pads. I would be sad if you were not with us, just because I have bad knees and back.

Much love and frustration,

Your Human

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Golden Girls

Silly girl

Dear Noodle,

I know you want the tuna fish badly. And I know that you are very food motivated. And that you like to hang out on the stovetop when its off. However, I cannot allow you to hop up on the stove while the food is actually COOKING. I do not want burned calico as an appetizer. And you have enough skin issues, you don't want to add that to your list.

Love,
The one that knows how to lock the lid.

Current Mood: amused

Dear Nudist:

Your collar exists so that I can put a tag on you with my phone number. It exists so that in the event that one of your escape attempts succeeds, you can get home to warmth and food.

Stop stripping please.

Current Mood: amused

Dear Dork,

Of all the cats I've ever lived with, your method of telling me "I want to come inside now" is definitely the most dramatic, and it's especially weird considering you don't do it to tell me you want to go out.

When you want to go outside, you politely sit by the door and look up at me, patient yet plaintive. You are every bit the little lady that visitors think you are.

When you want to come inside, though, you're the giant dork I know you really are.

If I were a better parent to you, I would probably try to point out that the most efficient way to get back in the house is probably NOT to hurl yourself at the door and cling to the window frame by the tips of your claws, but I have never claimed to be a saintly influence and I find it hilarious, so never stop doing it, you weirdo.

Love,
Your Favourite Giant Bipedal Cat

(Dear

note_to_cat: I figured with the influx of new users from LJ, it might be fun to try to perk this community up again. I miss hearing about other people's tiny dorks!)

(no subject)

Dear Bad Cat,

When I'm putting away laundry and leave a drawer open while I'm getting more clothes, that is not an invitation for you to get inside the drawer, mess up all of the clothes I folded, and sleep on them while shedding everywhere. You have your own bed. You could sleep on my bed. Please leave my clothes alone.

-Human Who's Tired of Refolding Clothes

(no subject)

Dear Newton,

standing under the basement trap door, which is conveniently located next to my desk and meowing for half an hour straight will not make me like you more on this lovely Sunday morning. And that might lead to me not doing as you are commanding me.

I will not pull down the ladder so you two can wreak havoc up there. Live with it.

No love,
me

Current Mood: confused

Dear Alien Cat Thing,

Fess up Panda, you're really a alien here to rule over us all as our Supreme Feline Overlord, aren't you?

I might not of realized this, but I'm pretty sure normal cats don't make phone calls, do Google searches on the computer, erase phone messages, change TV channels, and run around with scissors.

Just remember who kept you in gooshie food and fuzzy mice when you take over, alright?

Much love (and not a little fear),

The giver of gooshie, AKA Mom

(no subject)

Dear Link,

I realize adjusting to the new dog has been hard, and it makes me happy when you once again bounce into my lap for affection.

Please realize, though, that suddenly darting across the room to get away from the dog also makes him want to chase you! Harley wants nothing to do with you otherwise.

You're still my original and my baby,

♥ Iris.

(no subject)

Dear Cat,

While I understand that you like to sleep in my lap, I really need to be able to move around now and then. Why don't go and do something else for a little while? Like eat the food I put out for you, which was perfectly fine this morning but suddenly won't do anymore, you spoiled little brat.

Sincerely,
Your Human

(no subject)

Dear Cat,

I know you love your toy dolphin and you love moving it all over the place. But you do not have to meow at me every time you move the thing. I can see you doing it. You don't need to tell me. And just because I'm laying down doesn't mean it's time for you to jump on top of me and go to sleep.

Sincerely,
Your human

P.S. You can keep falling asleep on the dolphin though. It's adorable.

(no subject)

Dear Kitkit,

Just because I roll over in my sleep does not, in fact, mean I am waking up. It's not your cue to jump up in front of my face and meow as loud as possible. It's 3am, let me sleep.

Also, sleeping in my lap is not a problem if I'm playing a console game. But when it's a handheld you will be relegated to the arm of the chair. Please don't hate me <3

Love, me.

picky cat is picky

Dear Picky Cat,

I know. I know! It is 90F out here, and you do not want gooshyfood. But you also do not appear to want any kibble, either. We have tried two different kinds! Please eat something! Anything! I really want to feed you, and you seem so hungry. :(

Love,
Your adoring female supplicant

Wir wollen k(l)eine Katzen zu Wurst machen....

Dear Newton and Marie,

I know you love to terrorize us humans with loud noises and walking all over us when you think we need to wake up and feed you. However, you usually start at around 6:30. Would you terribly mind not to start at 4:30 on the day we have to get up at 5:30 to drive 500 kilometers in one day?

Thanks, your lowly humans.

<3

Dear Olaf,

While it is physically harder to write something while you're sitting on my lap, you make a lot of things much, much easier on an emotional level.

Thank you for being my kitty.

Love,
Female Human

I'm RIGHT HERE, cat!

Dear cat,

I AM RIGHT HERE! In the other room! You do not need to yowl at me for hours¹ to get me to come play kitty ball with you; I am in your favorite kitty ball room already! I even have the ball!

Earmuffedly,
Your human

^1: Okay, minutes. But still.

The wonder twins!

Dear Asterix,

You make a better armrest than you do a mousepad, although a cat as a mousepad is hilarious.

Dear Speak,

jamoche's hair is not your cat toy.

Dear both of you,

Your human is getting nail clippers very very soon.

Love,
your adoring once-a-week human toy
Azz

about wii fit

Note to Olaf:

While I am very excited that I can have a "pet stats" option on Wii Fit, and can see your cute little orangey stripey self in Wii Fit Plaza, you do not actually get to play the game.

This means that your "help" during my yoga and strength training exercises, while cute, makes the Balance Board very confused. Kitty snuggles are for after exercise!

Love,
Your adoring female human